An Opulently Offensive View of the World

Five Items

Ah the old standby party question: What are the five items you must have on a deserted island or heaven as I refer to it? It is a great question and offers insight into the mind of the one answering. Do they choose practical items or do they tend for the luxury items?

Pictured here: Five impractical and two luxury items (Not the Howells).

Pictured here: Five impractical and two luxury items (Not the Howells).

What is worse than being stranded on a deserted island with a professor that can build a radio and a TV but can’t fix a hole in a boat? I would say he must have figured out a way to make condoms as neither Ginger or Mary Ann came up pregnant, but then again this wasn’t Fantasy Island.

It is better to be Ricardo Montalban's mini me than Mike Myers'.

It is better to be Ricardo Montalban’s mini me than Mike Myers’.

So here are my five (Spoiler: Not all five are Salma Hayek):

1. A knife: practical for hunting and constructing shelter. A must have for anyone stranded on an island. Plus, if you are stuck there with someone talking to a soccer ball, you can put them out of their misery and have a nice feast at the same time.

Anyone up for a slice of Tom Hanks?

Anyone up for a slice of Tom Hanks?

2. A lighter or some type of fire making device: You can’t eat your best buddy raw. Roast them up nice and slow while you are staying warm. Once again this is one of those multipurpose items.

Here’s where things get tricky. You have the implements to build shelter and fire as well as procure food and cook it; if you can’t make it with that then you probably should just go ahead and drown yourself. So what three items would I take? Assuming that with the fire you can make a rudimentary distillation rig, obtaining water should not be an issue. Toilet paper might be nice, but think of the environment and just rely on a palm frond. Anything electronic would at some point need to be recharged and unless there is a Club Med a hundred yards away (Yeah I am talking to you Survivor!) those items would not be much use.

3. A box of pencils and paper: When left with yourself, you might as well write. At last, all the free time in the world, outside of trying to stay alive, and you could finally write that novel. Or you could merely keep a journal of your trials as you lay dying. But then some idiots would follow your footsteps and meet the same fate, but that’s just called thinning the herd.

4. Salt and pepper: What would an island be without a little seasoning?England
Even though you might be stranded, there is no need to be a barbarian. Hell is unseasoned food. I can deal with being alone and could even deal with the idea of never being rescued, but bland food, think I would just drown myself.

5. Memories:  Now anyone who has followed my blog most likely expected to me name some sultry vixen with which to wile away the hours, but no, not this time. I think I would prefer to take my memories. “But we always take our memories,” you might say and this is true. However, I want memories that do not fade, that do not become distorted by time, perfect recollection. All the people, places, things I have seen, to remember those clearly, without flaw would be better than any television. Forgetting is worse than bland food, slowing losing your own life. That would be my luxury item, memory.

Those are the things I would take with me. Of all the items that seem most unlikely is the thing I carry with me everyday. But with these five items I am sure I could survive.


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11 responses

  1. HA! Loved the salt and pepper.

    December 5, 2013 at 10:36 am

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